Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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