My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
