you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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