tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
