I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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