I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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