She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
