If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
we're so committed to being not committed
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
