How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just found puke in my bra..
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
