i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
