why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
