i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
