whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
