He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
