at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
