Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
