woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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