you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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