Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
