i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
