I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
