It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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