i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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