My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
