she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
