3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
