he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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