my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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