The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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