he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
