I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
