you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
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I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
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Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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