remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
