getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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