I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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