Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
