I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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