I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
