you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
