Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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