the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
