Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
