im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
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