Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
