Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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