I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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