Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
