I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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