I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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