in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My vagina is very pro this idea
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
