literally had 100 drinks last night.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
