Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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