Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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