3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
