Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
