i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
