saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
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Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
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I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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