just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
