i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
