New low: just hacked my moms facebook
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
