There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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